Document:  All > Shakespeare > Comedies > Twelfth Night > Act IV, scene II

	[Enter MARIA and Clown]

MARIA: Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard;
	make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: do
	it quickly; I'll call Sir Toby the whilst.


Clown: Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself
	in't; and I would I were the first that ever
	dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to
	become the function well, nor lean enough to be
	thought a good student; but to be said an honest man
	and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a
	careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.


SIR TOBY BELCH: Jove bless thee, master Parson.

Clown: Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit of
	Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily
	said to a niece of King Gorboduc, 'That that is is;'
	so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for,
	what is 'that' but 'that,' and 'is' but 'is'?

SIR TOBY BELCH: To him, Sir Topas.

Clown: What, ho, I say! peace in this prison!

SIR TOBY BELCH: The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.

MALVOLIO: [Within]  Who calls there?

Clown: Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio
	the lunatic.

MALVOLIO: Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.

Clown: Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man!
	talkest thou nothing but of ladies?

SIR TOBY BELCH: Well said, Master Parson.

MALVOLIO: Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir
	Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me
	here in hideous darkness.

Clown: Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most
	modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones
	that will use the devil himself with courtesy:
	sayest thou that house is dark?

MALVOLIO: As hell, Sir Topas.

Clown: Why it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes,
	and the clearstores toward the south north are as
	lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of

MALVOLIO: I am not mad, Sir Topas: I say to you, this house is dark.

Clown: Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness
	but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than
	the Egyptians in their fog.

MALVOLIO: I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though
	ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there
	was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you
	are: make the trial of it in any constant question.

Clown: What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl?

MALVOLIO: That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.

Clown: What thinkest thou of his opinion?

MALVOLIO: I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.

Clown: Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness:
	thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will
	allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lest
	thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.

MALVOLIO: Sir Topas, Sir Topas!

SIR TOBY BELCH: My most exquisite Sir Topas!

Clown: Nay, I am for all waters.

MARIA: Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and
	gown: he sees thee not.

SIR TOBY BELCH: To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how
	thou findest him: I would we were well rid of this
	knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I
	would he were, for I am now so far in offence with
	my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this
	sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.


Clown: [Singing]

	'Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,
	Tell me how thy lady does.'


Clown: 'My lady is unkind, perdy.'


Clown: 'Alas, why is she so?'

MALVOLIO: Fool, I say!

Clown: 'She loves another'--Who calls, ha?

MALVOLIO: Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my
	hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper:
	as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to
	thee for't.

Clown: Master Malvolio?

MALVOLIO: Ay, good fool.

Clown: Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?

MALVOLIO: Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I
	am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.

Clown: But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no
	better in your wits than a fool.

MALVOLIO: They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness,
	send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to
	face me out of my wits.

Clown: Advise you what you say; the minister is here.
	Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore!
	endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain
	bibble babble.

MALVOLIO: Sir Topas!

Clown: Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I,
	sir? not I, sir. God be wi' you, good Sir Topas.
	Merry, amen. I will, sir, I will.

MALVOLIO: Fool, fool, fool, I say!

Clown: Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I am
	shent for speaking to you.

MALVOLIO: Good fool, help me to some light and some paper: I
	tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.

Clown: Well-a-day that you were, sir

MALVOLIO: By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and
	light; and convey what I will set down to my lady:
	it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing
	of letter did.

Clown: I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you
	not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit?

MALVOLIO: Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.

Clown: Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his
	brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink.

MALVOLIO: Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I
	prithee, be gone.

Clown: [Singing]

	I am gone, sir,
	And anon, sir,
	I'll be with you again,
	In a trice,
	Like to the old Vice,
	Your need to sustain;
	Who, with dagger of lath,
	In his rage and his wrath,
	Cries, ah, ha! to the devil:
	Like a mad lad,
	Pare thy nails, dad;
	Adieu, good man devil.



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